The flower onced bloomed, the smells so enchanting. I don’t know what is going on when the season change, the year change, the day passed. My life isn’t going anywhere. I can remember that we once experience it — all the well-planned trips to go or the impromptu one. I loved silence, but nowadays it is unbearable. People come and then they disappeared, they grow and bloomed — like flowers, and eventually passed away. Like a season. Like a bottle of sparkling water, it loses its spark when you opened up too long so the taste fades away. Life’s just merely an accident, everything happens so fast so vivid yet it can traumatize you to see your loved ones pass away, see them grow up, seeing them being vulnerable and pessimist.
I am obsessed with sparkling feelings, feeling your body is at its peak; happy and exploding. Because when everything goes down, when everything’s so fragile all I can think is just a bad thing. Aren’t we are trying to do something with our life? Why does everything need to be a big thing in order to make my time here worthwhile? I am lost, always lost. Everything I do is just the bare minimum, I don’t have any goals, you tell me, then I followed. I need that kind of validation, I need you to tell me that what I feel is right, I need you to tell me that I’m doing good with my life so I feel seen to you, so I can continue to live.
Then I think about authenticity. What am I then? I draw from people’s drawings, I think like people’s thinking. They influenced me, they absorb me because I let myself go empty, to feel nothing on my own, and then I can’t think of my authenticity. Never satisfied — always searching for more and more.
Being not dead to me means to suffer, to celebrate life every day even tho the suffers still continue. To feel something, to write something, to listen to something — some music you don’t discover yet, some sound that penetrates your soul. To read more books, and watch new movies. I never feel authentic, maybe, Maybe I’m not the great artists that I dreamed I am and I should never force anything — even love.
